ellamax

2005-09-13T20:45:00.000-04:00

This site has moved to ellamax.com.

2005-09-09T14:27:00.000-04:00

Most of the time it seems to be overly cooked in this room. The quietness of simple lives and time for ones self can be sickening. Pounding away on pointless software that gets us nowhere, is what I've always aspired to do. Countless hours of pointless thought, only to leave a bad taste in your coffee. The temperature is the perfect fit for that of a anorexic who likes to show their skin. I want to leave.

Most of the time I'm stirring up the ingredients of hope. Only to have to much yeast for good taste. Most of the time there is not a pan to fit all my meat. A plain taste when all is wanted in flavor. Too much salt and too little sugar. Only to throw it all away and order a pizza.

Most of the time I want to pop the balloon that surrounds the heads of incompetent people. I want to break the heels of the pumps that can't lift your esteem. Slapping out of the ungrateful, all the love that I have deposited. Stomp down the hill that I can't make it over.

Most of the time I am blank. Referring to "most of the time" to leave the blankets at home.

Katrina

2005-09-04T23:28:00.000-04:00

I was going to type up a little note about my thoughts on Katrina and all the jumble surrounding her. Instead I would recommend that you check out the lastest post by Robert.

Irked

2005-09-02T14:25:00.000-04:00

Something a little disturbing is all the coverage about the hurricane Katrina. What about the war? What about all the other news?

The government has stepped up and sent support for the people in the South. And people are making it to the shelters and getting the necessities. So lets here about all the other horrible things that are happening.

I'll be writing more about Katrina, soon.

Just wondering if you all are wondering why the media is not covering many, if any, other news reports.

5504

2005-08-25T14:11:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, Daniel and I went to Columbus for a night. We stayed in a high hotel called The Lofts, complete with Champagne, chocolates and rose petals. We ate at an Italian restaurant. It was relaxing and gave us time to talk about our future and ourselves. Actually, Daniel does most of the talking, especially with a couple glasses of wine in him. I did some talking and listening, just enjoying the company and change of atmosphere. I know you all will be disappointed but we didn't make it to any adult stores, we had just visited them a couple weeks prior. But we did manage to find a booksore. I was checking out the post cards, when Daniel whispers to me, "this is a gay bookstore." That made me all the more interested in walking around. So, I looked at the relationship guides and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men. Just wondering where the guides were for women. Then Daniel took me to little bath shop where we observed the products that cost more than our usual Irish Spring. Overall, it was a great trip. Nice drive, weather and music.

We did manage to pick up Mono, Mogwai, Local H and Travis.

questions

2005-08-18T18:45:00.000-04:00

Seriously, you are lost.
I can't help you, I can't show you anything.

You know it all, you are ashamed of it.
I am fine with you here or there. I am fine with you in dispair.
I'm glad you're feeling it too.

So quickly you'll answer at a call. So quickly you'll say it for the best.
So, quickly you'll make it fall.

If the priority lays with them, then why are you here?
Where are you going?
What can't you hear?

The foolish will always be-
can't you see?

Come on already!

2005-08-18T14:12:00.000-04:00

Well my maternity leave is coming to an end and I am dreading the return to the grind. Some days I get pissed that Daniel gets to walk out of the apartment and start his day without kids. I know that sounds heartless, but it's true. My days have been short but stressful with my 1 year old, two and a half year old and Ella, the newborn. Now for this brief hour I will get to rest and get ready for the later half of the day. Maybe not even an hour, since Ella is about to cry.

I just thought I would release some excitement, that I am going to Columbus this weekend. All the kids will be in good hands and I will be at The Lofts and enjoying my love and many beverages. I plan on taking pictures, some that will make it on the site and others to fatten my personal collection. So wish me a relaxing, child-free weekend.

Lets play

2005-08-12T22:59:00.000-04:00

Many can identify the stench of the decomposed actions of people, but then there are the few that choose not to. To say that your choice is not to play, would have to be consistent throughout everything observed. Is it irrational to assume the worst, when that is all that you have been shown? Not in everything or everyone, but only in the worst. Why is it that some people can walk through a forest of lush rich surrounds and everything they sweep by turns black? Only to be allowed to walk. If the output of such a thing is accepted and tolerated then that leaves only one conclusion. We the victims should be pronounced as guilty as the killer.

Voids cannot be filled with anyone or thing. There will never be enough riches to persuade these people to halt their ways. I will not be a depositor into these ways. I have known many people that bring down others. They don't want to see anyone succeed. Their petty ways can make them look as fools. In the end there will be no Wiccan god to save them from their consciences, they must be content with stupidity in order to face their reflection.

I don't claim to know all or be the best human. But I do know that I would never intentionally bring down my own offspring and toy around with them, in order to gain. Anyone that thinks they can win children, are children themselves and only trying to hide from their own insecurities.

I berate these individuals because I know they exist and they are trying all the time to scrape at what they think is a open sore. Ha.

Focus, on what?

2005-08-09T23:01:00.000-04:00

Is it worth worrying over when someone says they don't know if they want to even be friends with you?

Is it worth worrying over when you are preached at about being accepting and open, when you aren't included in what it is you are supposed to be open about?

Is it worth worrying about a job that you hate?

Is it worth worrying about money and all that it affects?

Is it worth anything how I feel and I just want to do what is right?

Is it worth worrying when I'm left behind in life, but not in thought or intention?

Is it worth anything when I hurt? Is it worth asking or even telling for that matter? Will it change anything? It hasn't really.

Influenced thinking, maybe, but not without a fight.

Is it worth the frustration of conversation?

Am I able to do anything to make you reconsider?

Is it worth...

Helium filled head-

2005-08-03T21:29:00.000-04:00

In the distant future the draperies of these dark sheets
will destroy.
Incapable of accomplishment once had in mind,
a whole new venture has arose.

There is proof of a new standing
a joint venture that will shadow the explosion.
The weak will fall and the superior will rein.
All the feeble minded posers have no place to go.
They will only be sucked into their own sinking sand-
breaking down into themselves grasping for anything around them.

The superior are defined by their pysche. Their willingness to
build upon the existing creations. While the self-pitying foolish
vultures can only hunger for this, their cravings will eat away from within.
Leaving nothing fun for the prevailing party.

Then the broken down suffers will only be able to lay down their staffs,
ask for redemption and become the impotent made servants to their dreams.

2005-08-01T17:45:00.000-04:00

The logical steps of life are...college, job, save money, get married and have kids. I have yet to find out why these steps are so important to the average American. It seems hard enough to find love, why should all these steps and legal proceedings be a determinant of anything? I am stumped. Don't get me wrong, I'm not preaching about something I haven't done. I have, actually I am married and have been for 5 years. I have two kids from the marriage and a house in the burbs. I was staying home with the kids and doing wedding flowers on the side. This doesn't seem to be enough, in the past year I have made many changes, partly due to this revelations. Over the years that I arrange the "perfect" bouquet, I collected a few things that brought me to question my own decisions.

It seems that the official statement of marriage, is more to couples than it once was. It now is a representation of their love. It was a legal agreement, usually for financial purposes. This can be good and bad. It can be good that Americans have found a common way to turn a "legal" contract into something more meaningful. It's bad because people rely on this contract to serve more purposes. They use it as a reason to stay together or maybe rationalize their unhappiness.

I get frustrated when I run into a Reality TV show of people planning a huge wedding. Only to divorce months later. Since people are constantly preaching about how high the divorce rate is, maybe that should be an indication of something. Millions of dollars are spent on divorces a year, maybe we should pocket the expense and take a trip with our life partners. Personally, I wish people would venture out of the norm, think beyond what our culture has put into place for us. Maybe if marriage wasn't so easily taken out of context, issues surrounding marriage wouldn't be so controversial. Maybe, a marriage ceremony wouldn't become just standard default for people to use.

Oh how Elmo enlightens thee...

2005-08-01T17:42:00.000-04:00

Course

2005-07-25T15:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my partner/baby's daddy (I love that) and I drove to Columbus. We didn't know for sure if we would make it that far, but did. We actually were just going for a drive. You know, one of those drives that have no plan or route. So, we stopped a couple places, all of which involved some type of sexual entertainment. Okay not all, we happen upon a vintage shop, equip with cross dressers and all. Then moved to a book store and grabbed some Bitch and Forum. We were pleased with the capacious collection of stores that carried porns and whatnots. We will return, with the largest bag we can find to shop for the reduced videos. Do you think were rich? We only purchase from the sale rack on double coupon Tuesdays.

While driving down one of the major roads through town, I snapped this picture. We had planned on taking more shots of our trip but ended up taking the most pictures of the bathroom at Ameristop. You can ask Daniel about that.

072005

2005-07-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I saw one of the most enlightening things happen. By enlightening I mean touching, not some "Jesus moment". There is a boy in the hospital room across from my daughters room. If you sit on her couch in her room you can see out the window in the door, to the hall. This time I looked up from my National Geographic I saw a girl in the hall, she was about 10. She had her hair pulled back into a pony tail and wore glasses. I saw her walk into her brothers room and shortly come out into the hall with a relative. She was crying and upset by what she had seen. It has been a while since I have witnessed someone so small, emotionally turned by love. I once had the same experience when my own brother had some nose surgery and his sinuses were impacted with gauze. He looked like an alien, but at the time I was scared for him. I took one look and was in tears.

It is amazing to me how the human body, so small and frail can over come so much. It also amazes me when I see someone of such innocence and sincerity, stirred.

2005-07-17T23:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes being a mom can be overwhelming and tiring. But when you have seven little bitties to occupy your day, some interesting things can occur. Last night, we had six, the seventh is recovery and is on her way to coming home soon. We had about an half an hour with some radio tunes blasting in the living room. Apparently, they all are able to feel the music because the basted out in dance to some Coldplay and 50 Cent. "Shake your butt" and "come on Momma, dance" were common chants. It was truly a priceless moment. One that particularly grabbed me was when the 9 year old lay prostrate on the floor movin' her butt up and down, yes it looked exciting, but I just hope she doesn't pull that one out at the middle school dance.

Yesterday and today

2005-07-15T09:53:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to yell "stop" at all the doctors and nurses yesterday. My daughter's heart began to beat at 260 beats per minute. She had surgery about a week ago for Hypo-Plastic Left Heart, she seemed to be slightly progressing, then yesterday I was standing next to her. We were listening to Mogwai number 8, I remember checking the cd player because I really liked the beat it had. All the sudden her blood pressure, heart rate and all the million numbers that fluctuate on her monitor, began to go crazy. She lay in her tiny bed flat, didn't move at all. I backed away when the doctor came running in followed by 4 nurses. Before I knew it, I was stretching my neck to look around all the people, to notice that her legs flinched and her fingers were blue. They gave her a drug, forgive me, I don't remember the name, and it brought her heart rate down. She stabilized her and she was back on the road to recovery when we left yesterday. This morning the doctor called again, she had another episode (for a lack of better term) and they are going to do a couple things that they think might be causing her heart to react this way. I just wanted them to leave her alone, let her move around freely and cry. I have a daily struggle to convince myself that this is the best way for her, we have made the best choice.

I remember when my first son Nicholas died. I didn't want to hold him or even see him. I did eventually, I knew I would grow old regretting, if I didn't. The fraction of time I got to know him was so small that I have a hard time recalling it all. Now I grow old with thinking, what if, what if we would have fought. I just want to know, that I will not grow old regretting this and that if Ella isn't going to be here long that she wasn't in a unnecessary amount of pain and longing for the touch of her parents. There is no way of knowing. This hope that I search for can't be given to me by anyone, other than her, I just hope that each day I see her it is restored.

Christmas

2005-06-30T16:48:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of questions that I probably will never get answered, I like that I don't pretend to have the answer to them. I just wait until something smacks me in the face or I slowly develop an answer from the evidence given. Is it laziness? Am I afraid to find an answer I don't want? There are a lot of things in my life that I can't explain, that I can't seem to find a reasonable conclusion (i.e. how I got here).

I set out months ago with this challenge to myself to explore different theories and different systems of beliefs, I haven't done it. It's hard to get motivated when it seems that my world goes on without some clearly defined explanation of existence. There hasn't been a decent theory or challenge given that I have been able to rest upon. I still hold out hope for something.

I know that this type of thinking is how the majority of the world thinks, and I'm okay with that. However, I am not content with settling for nothing. It seems there should be some explanation for the reason things happen. There should be answers for my questions. What am I missing?

I have other questions that hold as much of importance to me as the above. Questions of love, persons and life. Mostly, life. Mostly about others.

Daily thoughts

2005-06-29T09:31:00.000-04:00

Is it possible to understand your life, can you really sit back and ponder the importance of all that you do? Should there an importance for everything you do? When I sit back and look at the last 9 months of my life, I can see the importance of the choices I have made. I have this idea of what I would like to do with myself, then I start each day doing something else. Maybe the ideas I have are not enough to motivate me, or maybe the are little bits that I will someday get to feel. Have you ever felt like this?

Am I dreaming when I feel like I am just a filler, a step in larger process? Is it self pitty? Not that I am depressed or upset about the life I have, it's actually great. Who can be disappointed with a dog that follows you around to eat your messes off the floor and sits spread eagle to clean herself for your entertainment (I had to mention her)?

Maybe I need to smoke, and sit in on a making of a movie.

2005-06-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

How can people say that trials make them stronger? They make them more tolerable to ignorance of people in the future. They make them harder and their cores firm as that off a marble, begin to let things bounce off without a care. This works and can be looked at as a positive configuration. But it can also cause people to turn and to become something that they had no intentions of becoming. Maybe not in general or even forever, but immediately, how can it be avoided? While watching this, I try to take it in and learn to tolerate, learn to appreciate, learn to cooperate. I just hope that it doesn't take me over and turn me into a glass sphere unable to feel what comes along down the road.

Baby Ella and dad

2005-06-13T08:04:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, I had some time. Actually, time without kids is really hard to come by when you are raising 6 in some degree or another. So in a days of freedom, we ventured to a number of retail franchises and spent more money than we needed to. Overall, it was relaxing and sexually igniting. There is a lot to be said for the weekends at Grandma's or however you get the kids out of the house for at least one night. Over the time of bonding with my lover, I found time to touch places I haven't and appreciate the small traits of his personality that can so easily taken for granted.

We have about 3 weeks until our baby is born. She has a Hypoplastic Left heart and Turner's Syndrome. I say this because it will be a stressful time after delivery and this small amount of time that we don't have to worry about her, is refreshing. Last night I could have cried, while watching her dad's eyes light up when he felt her move. Since she is at the end of her time in the pleasant pod, she is pretty big and moves me when she moves. I was so attracted to him when the look of amazement swept over his face.

I guess you can say we didn't actually get time without kids, because she was with us the whole time. I can't wait for her to get here. I can't wait to see them together.

2005-06-05T20:12:00.000-04:00

"How can this be?" she wanders aimlessly through the aisles.
"I thought they stocked on Thursday's so how can they be out?"
She stands alone peering up to the top shelf looking for the replacements. She doesn't want to find a substitute nor does she want to meet anyone while looking around. So she leaves. Disappointed at the results of her trip.

This wasn't the first time it has happened, nor will be the last. It's too bad that she is selfishly thirsty for something that isn't available. Is this disappointment tolerable until she reaches the next aisle?

Are the cookies that good?

Proverbs

2005-06-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

To think I am quoting the Bible.

"Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love"

2005-06-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

Currently, I am preplexed by all the options for a blog. I mean what happens once I decide on something, then what? That will take up all my energy and time and I might miss all my daytime soaps, and leave me no choice but to eat out. Eating out is not my thing, just default when I'm lazy. So, I have made like one small step to completion, I chose a name.

So for now, I am supposed to be scetching something and maybe eating something.

Working hard.

Not confusion/clarity

2005-05-24T22:41:00.000-04:00

Sadly, criticized man is trying to break down my door. Pounding through the grains of press board used to construct my protection. You know that fear of checking your bank account when you have small money, just to know when your going to get hit with the fees? That same annoying fear. This is not any man, he doesn't want what I have to offer. Sex, drugs or talk, he wants me to extend my curiosity for companionship. He doesn't know the whole deal, do they ever? He doesn't know the web, the wet gauss I am wrapped in, will he ever?

Hardly thinking, I walk over to the door. Turn the knob and look down. Nothing, except my own guilt laying on the mat.

What the hell are you thinking?

Daily

2005-05-23T08:36:00.000-04:00

Similar to the times I have dreamt of walking in the middle of a busy city during it's prime, I have longed to sit near a pond and watch people skinny dip. None of which seem like possiblilties. Is it selfish to want to be someone other than who you are? Maybe not as interested in sex or enjoy reading more? My depression or unidentifiable condition (and by calling it depression is because I like to self diagnose) has been hanging over me for almost a year. I don't want to take meds or be labeled as a crazy. I don't think I need those, however half my family uses then daily. There are just times when I feel down and like no one can bring me out of this slump. In the past I have searched my relationships for the pleasure that I missed in life. Now in the future I don't know where to find it, or even look. My kids, bring me comfort but I can't let it be all. I have friends that I have had for about 12 years, and I can't lay my personal issues on them. I mean, I could but don't want to. Leaving me standing here, grasping at any little thing that is brought my way- try to pull out of it some ounce of milk to keep me fed.

210

2005-05-21T22:17:00.000-04:00

"For a moment there I thought I had been saved," I said to Tatyana. She then turns from me to look and see who is making their way up the stairs, outside her flat. I take a hit from my cigarette and see it's Pashas' mom, "what the hells her name?" I asked. The mom didn't speak a word of English and Tatyana knew I hated her. Justifiably, of course. It had been a rough first week, no hot water, the cold water on your scalp was nauseating. A family that no only didn't speak any English, but they were like tightly wound inbred. A nasty Russia made a pass at me after he was drunk, talk about smooth moves. So, I was at last alone with Tatyana, begging for assistance in a break out. None, was given. As a matter a fact, I was looked down on by the school official, I guess people over there don't discuss rudeness. Then I was sent away, to Nadia's house. The funny thing is, she was taken out of her house in the US and moved in with a chick over here that was really poor and "nasty", so I heard. But anyway, we were like the two bad kids they were hoping would be knifed up in the subway and left to drain. This was actually the beginning of the love I grew for Russia.

2005-05-19T18:21:00.000-04:00

I'm having a bad day and am sick. So go screw yourself, I hope someone gets some pleasure around here.

Mel has a ponytail, Dolly has a dingy

2005-05-18T18:15:00.000-04:00

The creative collection of co-workers provide our office with continual entertainment. Dolly (not real name), is a huge Dolly Parton fan, hence the name. Well, he is dating Robert, who is a migrant camp worker in Texas. This is apparently a long term relationship. Dolly, however, lives with his parents, and has no problem with that. One more visit to the tanning bed and Dolly will not be caucasian any more. Dolly has had some problems with his wire tranfers, causing frequent phone calls with a little attitude to his bank. First it was for $68.00, then $20.00, now I think his card is maxed, so he can't send Robert any money until he gets a check from the temp service. All my information has been from ease dropping, some details might be left out. Who was the bright person that sat him outside the VP's office?

I just thought I'd tell you a little about my day job. Some of my motivation to wake up is for the drama of the homosexuals within my department. And not to mention the convenience of staring endlessly at my lover.

My Living Color

2005-05-17T09:17:00.000-04:00

My corky enjoyment of 4 Non Blondes is something that I can't deny. I know that they are like, not good. I guess that memory I have of them in concert was enjoyable and a wake up call to my inner rebel. I was about 12 or 13 and my mom decided to take me to their free concert in Cincinnati. Yeah, my mom, I couldn't have the much fun, right? Well, after the contact buzz from all the Gunja, I was feeling nice. I was pissed because I couldn't smoke (mom didn't know). But, got by with dipping into the mosh, a little.

The best part was when lead singer (whatever her name is) turns to the sound guys and says, "stop fucking with my mic." At 12, this was like, cool. Ever since then, I respected the group and never denied them time on my boombox.

Thought I'd share.

My longings

2005-05-13T16:03:00.000-04:00

There are so many reasons that I would love to pack up three of my belongings and drive to the airport. To see the side of the earth that I have only seen through someone else's fun. To stop along the way and sit in the dark corners of foreign bars, draped with the smoke of drinkers. To find myself lost and no one to speak my language, to share a bathroom with a floor of nasty travelers. I do have an itch, one I may never satisfy. To see the cultures of people that I will never be.

I despise the people who go on "vacation" with these preset formulas of how to best fit their experience into their comfort zones. Don't sleep in the best hotels and eat in the McDonald's. Hello?

Many times, to escape my cube or dull moments, I remember my travels. And wonder about the people I have met. They take me away, sometimes.

Think

2005-05-12T08:39:00.000-04:00

Some days, I'm great, some days I don't mind if I am alone.
Others, I want to be close to someone and be held.
I know these aren't unique feelings by any means, or even caused by my condition.
The worst time is when I feel alone, desperate to be considered.
How do I tell people this without looking like I'm dependent.
Some days, I want to let things go and not have a care in the world. Other days, I can't escape the stress and pressure of the world I have chose.
There is nothing that breaks the stagnant daily repetitive dreariness like a smile from one of my little ones. Over time, those will fade and I will be searching for that little thing that makes my tensions go.

Peaceful moment

2005-05-03T20:09:00.000-04:00

Little TT.

HIM

2005-05-01T11:42:00.000-04:00

The sunlight in this day shines through to show the truth.
The loneliness, and shame.
Occasionally it will be hidden behind clusters of cotton
only to instill false hope.
It lightens up the dimensions that I lost long ago,
brushed away.
The moon has no reason to hate my only gift I have to
offer-sleep.
When the sun falls onto the other side, the moon is there is
provide a small amount of gratitude.
I hate them both.
I want the darkness to be so deep that I can't even smell.
I want the sun to forget to appear so I can be in a world of
recklessness and fear.

HER

2005-04-25T08:59:00.000-04:00

On clear glass-no cracks or stains
is this unbroken piece of satire.
Stuck to this glass is pieces of discolored past.
Clumps of substance unable to be scratched off, even with blades.
Washed out gray film runs over each erosion-intrusion.
Her lips, nipples, knees, and feet are visible only when
she is washed.
Normally she is just a collection of scattered clumps.

Marriage 1

2005-04-23T08:42:00.000-04:00

I once thought that marriage should be seperate for people of faith. Allowing them to up hold the laws of marriage within their own guidelines. Thus, giving too much power to the church, it matters of divorce, property and children. Which I don't think is the best way to handle it. After altering my idea, it seem most logical that divorce is a legal matter, therefore should be maintained legally.

Marriages today do contain a mixture of church/beliefs and law. The ceremony is totally personal choice but the same laws apply to the people through the marriage certificate. Concluding that the legal definition of marriage should be changed/munipulated by that of the Law, not of the church. There is no way to try to apply Biblical rules about marriage to the legal laws of marriage. This would be just as biased as my original idea. So, should homosexuals be allowed to get married, sure. Of course, they can't go to the local Baptist church and do it, but they should not be declined legally. Does this make sense?

Now if a person with no beliefs wants to get married, there should be only the legal forms and guidelines needed to do so. For some reason it doesn't seem like much of society accepts this as they do a 'traditional' marriage with ceremony, etc...
Why is this? Why is it popular culture to have this big ceremony based on a set of religious rules that most people don't up hold in their daily lives? Is it purely for the lack of creativity? Laziness? Fitting in? People think this makes their marriage official or more than it would be otherwise. Not so.

Marriage is my mind serve as a way to combine two people legally to each other, if this is how you want to profess love to each other, or not, then it seems to fit. If you don't want to be legally responsible/bond to your partner they don't file for a marriage certificate. To the basics, marriage doesn't seem necessary, it seems like a historical practice that might be now outdated.

This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate come of the 'traditional' ways marriage is expressed. I do like the idea of a ring/piece of jewelry that can be worn to remind you of the relationship you have with a person. I think that the same feelings about 'adultry' apply when you have told someone that you want to be with them exclusively. However, I would assume if one person has the feelings of wanting to stray away for any reason, they would be adult enough to tell the other, before it becomes a case to ruin the trust and friendship. So you see that many aspects of your relationship can be similar to that which is expected as a married couple. Without the actual piece of paper.

Since my thoughts are still in the early stages, please feel free to challenge them. I want to be sure that I'm not looking at this with my eyes wide shut.
D

What color is a whore's shoe?

2005-04-19T20:21:00.000-04:00

I've planned on somethings in my life, marriage being one of them. However, I haven't had much of a positive up bringing when it comes to the union of one man and one woman.

So, why marry? What does it bring to a relationship? Should people value the union as much as it does? Should marriage be an option for homosexuals?

Yes, I am going to do some reading. And I plan on finding the answers to some or none of these questions.

What I currently think, is that marriage has been turned into a matter of legality. And is often used for an excuse to live unhappily with people, that we wouldn't have otherwise.

how fresh are you that of a flower?

2005-04-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

In my quest for this Creator that I have been told about, I have stumbled upon some noteworthy thoughts that should tease your lips:

1. No matter the argument of faith or beliefs, religion should be kept out of it.

2. Even when you desperate for emotional help once, or want talk to the "god" when you're feeling down and asking for reassurance, don't call the chick on TBN with purple hair.

3. Don't be intolerant of others beliefs, it doesn't make for productive conversations.

4. Don't feel the need to claim to know all the answers, via the Bible. Personal experience can be applicable.

5. Don't think handing someone a flyer tell the to repent, is productive.

6. And don't visit churches that you have to wear your 'Sundays' best' to enter. And don't think being an EC (Easter Christmas) church goer gets you into Heaven.

7. (for the sake of 7) Don't try to manipulate me into some mold or way of feeling/believing to claim another 'buddy' in Heaven.

Amen.

NoNo

2005-04-08T20:51:00.000-04:00

This is my oldest, he has been experimenting with women's clothing
and what he'll do for the chicks when he turns 40.

Jest

2005-04-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

The day she died couldn't have been the worst.
She was all disturbed and filled with void, easily filled.
The loneliness wasn't all that bad for her, people thought so.
Did she live to make it worth the time?
Did she know where death took her?
It must have been better than here.

Parent 301

2005-03-31T08:32:00.000-05:00

There is a standard of parental practices that each adult or child rearing individual decides to use. Whether or not the set of practices are the best, is determinant of the reaction of the child. Can a parent expect multiple children to respond the same way to one set way of parenting? If there is fluctuation between children in your practices, does this create resentment from child to child?

I am pretty lenient from what I hear on children. I don't think it's because I compromise on my expectations of them, I think that I can let some of the small things go. I would like to find a middle ground between disciplinarian and compassionate care giver. Since it is hard for me to discipline without express the love I have, it can create conflicting messages to my children. As like the majority of parents I am a product of my up bringing, so I am giving efforts to not take discipline over board or get some type of control trip off of undeveloped minds.

At the same time I want my child to value people and feelings. I'm not necessarily trying to train my children to sit properly at the table at relatives house or place their shirts in the proper drawer of the wardrobe, but to have an emotional sense of self. And allow their surroundings to have an impact on their actions. While this emotional foundation is important to me, I want to instill a drive to perform, explore and create new and improved ways of life and situations. Now, to my ultimate question...How do I do that? I don't want to have the child with the best manners or the nicest dressed. I want a child that doesn't concern their selves with societal norms and conformation, that can think for themselves.

Here are my two cute little booger butts.

2005-02-09T09:42:00.000-05:00

This was at the Disney on Ice show with family.

2005-01-21T08:56:00.000-05:00

This story has no beginning.
in the closet of a man, tainting himself with his own afflictions.
Showers poor through the ceiling of metal.
He rips off his garmets stained and colored by his own shit.
Hitting the walls that retain all his cravings and desires. They won't give in, his only option is to open the door. It needs oil.
that's a step he doesn't know , but goes.
His nails scratch the surface breaking and tearing to reach the peak of this compulsion. He turns the knob, steps, into his room. There he is his lover- asleep.
This solitaire game can't stop until he shovels it out to be eaten.

Now he's 2!

2005-01-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

Noah talks ALL day. He says everything and sometimes nothing, but it gets said. So here is a small sample of the lastest...

"Powees"
"Arguys"
"Congical" mixed with "Triankle"

He knows more about construction equipment than anyone I know...
"loater"
"digger"
"bull oazer"
"crane"

He got his hair cut yesterday and screamed and cried. I don't know why this happens but they told me it was normal. That made me feel a little better.

Yesterday we went to the Newport Aquarium. He didn't' like the aquariums that were over your head, and wanted to hold hands through most of it. He likes animals but only from afar. There were lose Lorikeets in one part, not realizing I walked into the area and one comes flying directly at my face. I had Noah's hand and went screaming out. I missed the sign stating there were birds ahead.

So now, we have moved on to the "Ohs"-
"Oh gosh"
"Oh man"
"Oh fart"
"Oh _______(you fill in)"

And of course there are some words that come out like they shouldn't, example horsey, well I think you can imagine what it sounds like. We ended the day at Dewey's pizza where he sat and hummed his birthday song over and over as we sang to him. He is a great kid.

2005-01-04T14:02:00.000-05:00

Haunting screams in a pit.
eating at my solitude.
each day I give it up
only to watch it, crawl on all fours back in.
Hatred, at a pool of blood, that has no plug.
It's used to manipulate-interrogate.
Given up all my retained
jewels and treasure, for selflessness.
To only have them returned
and drug through my skin.
Scrapping at my wounds not allowing them to
heal. No clots found.
No end to this self feeding
disease of frustration.
Can I please have death?

2004-12-27T14:02:00.000-05:00

"Flies are buzzing round my head
Vultures circling the dead
Picking up every last crumb
The big fish eat the little ones
The big fish eat the little ones
Not my problem, give me some

You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

This one's optimistic
This one went to market
This one just came out of the swamp
This one dropped a payload
Fodder for the animals
Living on animal farm

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough

I'd really like to help you, man
I'd really like to help you, man
Nervous messed up marionettes
Floating around on a prison ship

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth
Dinosaurs roaming the Earth"
-Radiohead

"This is the day the Lord has made"

2004-12-27T13:40:00.000-05:00

Not the soft spoken conerns or the sharp strokes of your brush
teach me the way of love.
The touch at the small of my back as you guide me through
the wreckage.
As I look I could only wonder what this means
to each wondering eye.
The second I was alone in the aisle gave me
a lost numbness in my skin.
My sights were set on your hands
reaching to grasp the cold covers
to examine the option.
I felt like a child, scared almost.
My thoughts shifted as frequent as your movements.

Was I doing it for me?
Did I lose you somewhere?
Why is this such a deal?

In someway degrading to my structure of self worth
as like salt to paint.
Arguing within about this adventure could make me churn.

Weather

2004-12-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

The danger of snow falling is over rated in Ohio. Predicted to start last night gave me the hope to not have to work, but of course it didn't. So now sitting at my desk, it begins to really fall. The worry that I have is that I will be trapped in this place, for more than my scheduled 8 hours. Who works more than that?

The roads weren't that bad, if you let someone else drive. That someone not caring about whether the tires are touching the cement or not. So I made it to work a little early, 7:57. But the amazing thing to me is the people who decide to brave the roads. Especially the ones that are freakin' out about the rain. These people need to save their sick days for the snow. Please stay home!

If they do decide to venture out, the odds that they will cause an accident is highly likely.

I'm just glad it will be snowing on Christmas, the most joyous holiday of the year. No.

Subvention

2004-12-13T14:34:00.000-05:00

Better than I have thought. All this time I was a stray wondering the lonely world of greenery. All for the purpose of making this stop. I turned away from that place and walked nexted to you. Next to this dream. Every dream I have had ends, and every distorted picture I had in my head ended. There were somethings that existed, reality. These things shaped me and showed me this narrow trail I was walking. Blindly I followed this road, splitting us. While walking this path I would hold out my hands to feel the branches and the leaves through my fingers. After riping my hands and the leaves slicing into my bones, the path ended. To this camp, there was my help. There dwelled my future. Mending my confusions and exhaulting me in my victories.

A busy place with a lot of people

2004-12-04T19:26:00.000-05:00

Sharply he looked at her, through his flushed view, her smell was not artificial, it was bland.
The only resason he noticed her was because of her low cut shirt
that revealed a small part of her soft skin. The skin that contained all
her organs and dreams, the light hairs that covered her skin could be felt if only he would reach out to feel them. It would be an event to speak about, it would end the long time stretch of time for both of them. Even the not-so attractive women were an option, but he choose to search on. He thought that he never would be able to get close enough to get a real look. She thought he would be a nice after meal snack. Late in the hours, they would defile each other. So what stopped them, their lack of openness to use each other. Only for what they want. The idea that either of them would be disappointing each other. The uncertainty of the outcome. Sit and think about how you would handle it. Would you allow her to walk on, only for another night of aloneness? Just to know that you haven't broke the social norm. To wonder if you missed the best sex of your life. And then to keep searching for the possibility of finding IT.

So he gave her a name and decided to let her run his dreams. That's as far as it will go.

2004-11-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

There isn't enough simplicity in this time to give me grounds of reference. Our lives exist as we know them,
for a fantasy of making the best of ourselves. To strive for the ultimate status and acceptance from a group
of superficial people. The creator of this platue has to be shallow. My existence is not to
make the best of my surroundings, but to manipulate to them. They won't make me any more or less, but they will
be there. I don't have goals or expectations that I want to fill before I die. I want to see what my time
in these dimensions holds for me. I want to see how my personality is affected by the hardships. To be able to
turn off the television and hear his breathes. I want to make it simple. The pressure pushed on me from the
past smashed me into this cheap excuse of a human. Now I see differently, clearly. I'm not forced to love,
not forced to smile or tolerate.
I have been tickled.

Bitch

2004-11-08T15:22:00.000-05:00

They say I should try to shy away from being abrasive and rude, but for the most part I fail.
Another failure I have in my enemies eyes, is not putting a lot of weight on money. These are failures because of the sociological implementations of not fitting into the puzzle. The outlier as you call it. From the exterior it seems that I don't care or want to be in the situations I am. Not the case. These vibes that I give to everyone, are conscious. Because I want to. I don't want to be fooled by the fake shrew or the heartless man. So I created these special weapons to screen out the false.
I know it sounds like I could have never made it
through the first 25 years of this weary existence.
Obviously I did. After much time of making myself think that I
need to be nice and to appease others, I now realize that when I care about people it will be obvious, until then, I hope my weapons work. They may need to be cleaned or reloaded to stay affective.

Sangfroid

2004-11-05T15:34:00.000-05:00

Projecting the moments onto a screen I can't help myself. It slips through my gate and ends up in the wrong hands. Then the grind begins, the mules walks in circles keeping the gears moving. The pressure. I can't stand it. I release it through the abuse of words.

Self

2004-11-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

The cold broke into my room. It invaded the water. I couldn't escape the frequent chill that caused the hot fluids to flow from between me. No shower today. I dressed in layers to cover my vulnerable, nude skin. It keep me from them. Tucked in my money, blocking the hands. The group of us walked through the town, I walked behind. Smoked. Watched the unquenchable thirst of the primitive people allowing themselves to feel better about getting home. Thankful for their fat. Their beds. My body was stiff, my head hurt, my lungs were not taking in enough. I lived and I moved through St.Petersburg like a snake. Shedding my skin to leave a flake here and there. I saw the group of people marking up the prices for their everyday goods, because we were foreign. I don't blame them. I would have given them all my riches. Shortly before I reached the market, a woman on my left walked up to us. Begging in her language. Begging for money with a baby holding on to her shoulder. I reached for all I had, then stopped. Our host said, "she has nail polish on, she is not starving or poor." I was taken back, shocked by the lassitude of a resident, of a partner. I walked on. Later I realized that I had given out too much compassion to them, their tactics worked and I was a victim.

Marion

2004-11-02T14:49:00.000-05:00

There is constant arguing between he who loves me and the women who claims to be my mother. I look at my crafted toys and wonder why this anger was brought about. My dog and I were best companions, she liked life. I entertained the idea of roaming out the front door to the woods. I just stayed. There were things to distract me from the break. There were people who brought about the break. My brother was less than a year and I was almost 4. We packed. Through all the arguing and words I managed to slip a kiss to my pet. I grabbed my dolls and purse and strapped in. In our late model Ford we drove north on Meryton Place. I propped my leg up on the seat, slid out of the belt and looked back at my father. Leaves were swirling behind the car, like my jumbled brain. Trying to comprehend this departure. I didn't see him much before or after that. I remember him crying at the site of the car pulling off. I remember him beating my dog when she was bad. I remember my grandma taking her false teeth out. All these good times would soon be replaced by the dull, strict selfishness of bastards. I only grasp at the faint memory of my life. Now I have so much more, so much love. That is why I can't watch men cry.

impediment

2004-11-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

This distant triangle of lost thoughts.
Here goes:

A tunnel of self drowning out good judgement.
An impediment of this solitude of anger.
A lingering nausea that weighs on my body.
Grudges that are created by abuse
of ones emotions.
A fear of nothing, that is generated by my own
afflicted torment.
A work in progress.
Please be patient, I'm fragile.

2004-10-29T13:55:00.000-04:00

the rain is capable of changing the feel of everything.
walking through the stinch of care
into a new aroma of the earth.

the mixture of temperatures scrabble
to coexist. I equalize my projection to
prevent rejection.

visually it allows all the gravel and pins
to fall out of my mouth.

I can't stop it and I can't evade it.

Only try to immolate it.

Sex

2004-10-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

Drying beside the lingerie is that
of a soaked cover. Waiting to be worn to absorb the smell of
this man. Its waiting to form itself to the flesh of a creature.
after it dries it is put aside to watch the others be worn. She is okay with
the amount of wear for today.

tomorrow-
the bits that are gathered to be melted down into the wax-
dry around a wick that can burn for years. Drip onto objects leaving a residue of
its traits. Drippings of the wax burn our skin, marking our nerves. This cycle can be changed, it can be warped. Not that the wax that
surrounds you can burn away, only it can be melted and remelted to change its build.

the warm stones we together penetrate will be molded to our feet. Showing all our wear and weight. Our fluids will erode the bed to make it fit our bodies. Rejecting any others that try to rent it out. The splatter of our mystery has to be a stain, it has to be indestructible. It is.

I exhale.

Daily

2004-10-22T11:36:00.000-04:00

They are there
defending themselves behind the trees
and the valnerable feed.
Moving from this event to that
searching for the weak being inside
all of us.
Saliva falling from their jagged
bones, hungry.
Cautiously I store up my shield
keeping them at distance. They want to
hand out fear, like tracks.
Deception is their sword
that they store in each human. Heating it with
the fear of capture.
Battling these stray fanatics
should be tiring, but not.
Its pointless to clash with demons
just let them dwell, to build their homes
in your soul.

flash

2004-10-21T15:17:00.000-04:00

it was about 15 degrees out in Siberia, I was on a Greyhound on my way to visit
a local shop.
For what?
I have no idea. Really just wanted to learn.
the smell of the snow took over me when I stepped off the bus.
The flith of the city was captivating in its element.
Well clothed, I walked by stands doused in ornate jewelry and scarves.
To come to a Greek Orthodox church.
I had to cover my head to enter and let the cracking noise from the frigid coldness leave my ears.
Icons decorated the marble walls, candles lit, perched in front of their favorites.
I burnt one, not to pray or to pay respect.
But to try and fit into the some man's shoes.
Vividly, I saw the blood tears of Christ painted in oils.
I felt for a moment the sorrows of the people, the Russians.
My cold limbs filled with a rush of warmth, like urine.
No tears were shed, only the embarrasment of my greed.
My exposed selfishness.
The shop was there, small and simple.

Red Square

2004-10-20T16:54:00.000-04:00

Futhermore, I've given up on the
definition of culture.
Shadowing into my view of reality
is my given hatred of you.
Deteriorating my sound ground
to fall below the tomb.
to be rebuilt.
These brick walls are variable.
muffled by an unknown bridge of clearity.
only showing the benefits.

a stunning display of blinding light

defying your own culture, i leave it behind.

Jogging

2004-10-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

guilt and fear are not even close,
hatred- buring in under my nerves.
sympathy and empathy are not able to be reached
no where near the sight of your gaze.
holding on to what you can and feeling the
string drawing him closer.
only looking through the glass to reach through
and grab your throat.
take him for what hes worth to you
devouring what you dont like.
switching from there to here-
you can't untie whats knotted.
stop trying.

2004-10-15T17:03:00.000-04:00

As I am driving in my Jetta,
I look over to see the changing colors.
The introduction of my favorite season.
They are representative of my life-
Traits I had are dying away.
To make room for my undiscovered areas and
the dark smoke that seeps from my lungs.

I eject my cd and listen to the silence from my wheels.

It gives my the freedom to allow my thoughts to be marked
checked and broken.

I like my life,
its simplicity.

Thank you

2004-09-28T13:58:00.000-04:00

A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And through a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I'm mad about you
I'm mad about you

And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
And every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer? How much longer?

They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sum of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life

If you became another's wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
I'm mad about you
I'm mad about you

And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominions over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no vitories
In all our histories, without love

A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And through a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you I'm lost without you
And though you hold the keys to ruin
Of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust,
My enemies walk free
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
I'm mad about you
I'm mad about you

-sting

Information

2004-09-25T07:12:00.000-04:00

There are two types of oranges, sweet and sour. Only sweet oranges are grown commercially in the United States, and those you are most likely to find include:

Hamlin: One of the earliest-maturing oranges, Hamlins are grown primarily in Florida. Although they are practically seedless, their flesh is rather pulpy so they are better for juicing than for eating. Small in size, Hamlins have a very thin skin. Season: October through December

Jaffa: These oranges are imported from Israel. They are similar to Valencias, but have a sweeter flavor. Season: mid-December through mid-February

Navel: These large, thick-skinned oranges are easily identified by the "belly-button" found at their blossom end. Navels are seedless, almost effortlessly peeled, and easily segmented--qualities that, along with their sweet flavor, make them excellent eating oranges. California navels are somewhat more flavorful than those grown in Florida. They can be used for juice, but should be squeezed as needed because the juice turns bitter over time, even when refrigerated. Season: November through April

Pineapple: Similar to Hamlins in appearance, these oranges--named for their aromatic quality--are seedy but very flavorful and juicy; though best for juicing, they are good for eating if you don't mind the seeds. Season: December through February

Valencia: These are the most widely grown oranges; they account for about half the crop produced each year. Medium- to large-sized, Valencias have a smooth, thin skin and an oval or round shape. They are dual purpose oranges, because they can either be eaten whole or squeezed for juice. Florida Valencias, which are available in the middle of the orange season, are considered the best juice oranges. Season: March through June

Blood orange: The blood orange is a less common variety, usually found in gourmet shops. The ruby-red color of their flesh and juice (not their skin, which is orange) gives these sweet, juicy oranges their name. Imported from Mediterranean countries and grown in California, blood oranges are small- to medium-sized fruits. Season: March through May

**We all know these are very sensual fruits. And I hope every gets the enjoyment I do from eating them **

ease

2004-09-23T20:19:00.000-04:00

blank out.
stop thinking, focus.

dark, the sky populated with night.
deep in the desert they have a house,
small cozy and warm.
within the walls there are children, laughing.

she stares into his eyes while the background noise fades out.
he accepts her offer and they retreat.

into the large spance of bed.
layers of love and softness surround thier bodies
comfortable in thier nudity
they begin to open.

she feels him enter into her soul
and with each touch she falls all over again.

she knows his years and feels his sarrows.
each one is looked into deeply.

he sees her shortcomings and loves them all.
slowly he fills her insides with him
breathe, we have to think.
breathe this is really true.

trembling- they cease.
not the passion nor the time.
only for the moment-
they know this is right.

Nicholas

2004-09-22T21:44:00.000-04:00

fractions of that moment are in replay
foods for my beats
causing a continuous collapse of my song.
shredding through my insides
thief of me.

i have to sustain and settle on the meager time i get
like the time you see the true sky-briefly.
in the places you can see the openness of this soul
displayed before.

there is a hole, there, oh, and there.
did you have die within me
because now i am dead.

none

2004-09-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

there are lights all around me, keeping things awake.
i enter into the door and look from side to side.
where are you i wonder, where have you gone.
as i stuble about looking for what i came for,
i feel a heat.
voices are chanting in my ear and in my head.
i am surround by the blindness so i can't see.
im trapped.
then i begin to breathe, to live.
how could i have fooled myself into to thinking this is it?
how can i get myself into my perfect fit?

Marshall Mathers

2004-09-18T23:12:00.000-04:00

she stands up there and tears me down.
i am less than her and for this she is proud.

i am painted with the stinch if that way.
i straighten the unequal to fit in the mold.
i tear down my interior to cleanse the filth.
can i ever be rid of this?

can i break her?

Unattainable

2004-09-17T13:48:00.000-04:00

Is it bad to take something that isn't yours?
To not pay the price for the item you want?

It is the moral thing to do?
Do morals stand in the way of this decision?
or is it something else?

all these questions I ask myself- the answers I know.
But I can't listen, because there is something in the way.

This something I want to know.

Untitled

2004-09-16T18:47:00.000-04:00

there's a movement deep within me
to capture would be wrong.

only few things really tickle and one i know is you.

waiting for our retreat
to venture to the unknown of this movement could be forever.

can I hold this all at once?
paced wrecklessness in every thought?

her diadem

2004-09-16T00:53:00.000-04:00

here I am.

wrapped in this silk of simplicity
you try to read me, this can't be.

as you fall through my thighs-I reach to feel you
then I reflect and realize...

now I envy the diadem of a whore.

Flapdoodle

2004-09-15T13:02:00.000-04:00

There are only a few things in life that really bother me and here are the few I thought about in the shower this morning:

- when a manufacturer changes the ingredients in their deodorant, causing me to search for a new protection.
- when a company tries to recreate the same damn product, but really just changing the label and charging more money.
- bad smells.
- when I can't figure out how to copy music onto a rewritable disc, causing me to have multiple disc with only one song on them.
- when someone acts like they are better than other people, and never change their attitude.

I guess I have a few things that bother me. But more importantly... you now what they are.